Matchmaker, matchmaker

In another lifetime, my chosen career would be matchmaker. I can see myself as the yenta in some shtetl reminiscent of the one in Fiddler on the Roof, without, however, the Cossacks, the cold, barnyard animals in the sitting room, and the poverty.

I can only practice as an amateur here in my world. One of the matches I've long yearned to bring about is between two of my favorite radio and newspaper personalities in England. The two of them do double- and triple-duty as entertainers, and can be described equally as comedians, radio and television hosts, newspaper columnists, and poker expert (her). It's one of the things I love about the UK; talent grows and flows and then overflows. Someone who is bright and funny can make a living as a humourist in multiple media and also as a thoughtful writer on issues of public policy and political contention. Sometimes they cook, too. David Mitchell and Victoria Coren both wear several hats, being hilarious, clever, right-thinking, and left-leaning. Victoria had a head start, coming from a family of pundits, writers, and opinion-makers. She is also a champion poker player who earns money at it, writes about it, and provides live commentary, in such a way that even I enjoy following the game. (If she covered cricket too I am sure I would be a fan, pleasing my husband no end.) Both of them host comedy game shows on TV and radio and have that wonderful, ineffable quality of being always on top of the conversational current; as a viewer or listener, you can relax and know that whatever happens, whatever gaffes or goofs occur, David or Victoria will remain serene and produce a funny, yet tasteful and not unkind zinger to get the audience laughing and the other guests back on track. Canada does not seem to produce or promote such individuals, or perhaps if it does, they leave. The US too seems to funnel its talent into single lanes; TV hosts host TV and that's it. They don't also write a newspaper column or dance professionally. (The two successful crossover-types I can think of on this side of the Atlantic are Garrison Keillor and Steve Martin. And I can see Barack Obama with a career in stand-up when this politics lark is finished.)

Thus it had long been my wish to match up Victoria Coren and David Mitchell. My goodness did they suit one another! Think of the fun to be had at their joint breakfast table! I harped on about this plan to my long-suffering husband, whose fondest wish is that I mind my own business. I may even have made the odd comment online in response to a column one or the other had written for The Guardian or The Observer, to the effect that each should seek the other out. I'm just saying maybe.

So,idly listening to the BBC Radio 4 show 'Heresy' earlier today (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01sjjyf), hosted by Victoria Coren, imagine my reaction to hearing her say to her guest David Mitchell, 'Remember when we were on holiday in Portugal and you ate meat on a skewer?' WHAT? One quick Google and I learned that the two of them got MARRIED 6 months ago, in November 2012! My dream come true! How did I miss it? I have lost out on half a year of joy, and also half a year of making jokes about another celebrity couple called 'David and Victoria'. I doubt anyone will confuse the two twosomes.

How wonderful. All is right with the world. But.... how is it that I did not know sooner? The internet is wonderful in so many of its incarnations. We can read The Guardian online, we listen to BBC Radio, the kids can watch Premier League football, we feel comfortably connected to the Old Country in a way that would have been impossible to emigres not so very long ago. It is indeed all good. Yet something like this brings home to me with a hard thud that I live here, not there. Here is Toronto. Here is now, for better or for worse, home.

We are connected by massless electrons, not by breath and flesh and atmosphere. From far across the Atlantic, belatedly and virtually, I send good wishes and mazel tov to David and Victoria the Second.

Scoring points

Somewhere I used to live-- US? UK? -- has bumper stickers on trucks reading 'How's my driving? Call...' (Must be America.) I could do with a tee-shirt similarly asking for judgement : 'How's my Canadian-ness?' (A sweatshirt would be more appropriate, regardless of the fact that it's MAY. Grrr. See below.)

Scoring:

1) We're buying a house. That's pretty much a commitment. 10 points.

2) The local hockey team, the Maple Leafs, are in the National Hockey League playoffs (which are, confusingly, international, comprising both Canadian and US teams). The format is best-of-seven and the seventh game is tonight. I won't be watching, as I'm chairing a school council meeting. Nul points. Possibly negative points, because my main reaction is irritation that they are called the Maple LEAFS rather than the Maple LEAVES.

3) I am a co-chair of the middle school's parent council. 10 points.

4) I neither have, nor want, a canoe, and have nothing to contribute to discussions of fibreglass versus non-fibreglass construction. Some friends keep theirs strapped, upside down, to the top of the children's climbing frame in the back garden. I thought this was a sweet, creative addition meant to increase the children's climbing pleasure. Not in the least. It's for storage only. Nul points.

5) It SNOWED and HAILED yesterday, in May. On Mother's Day yet. We enjoyed a lovely lunch in a bland strip mall in the small, unremarkable town of Orangeville and then, to the children's dismay, persevered with our plans for a hike in the 'Forks of the Credit' Provincial Park. (Where might we find 'Spoons of the Debit', we wonder.) The dog, who is Canadian, loved it. The rest of us would have been in tears, except we worried they would freeze on our cheeks. 5 points.




So, how's my Canadian-ness? Waiting for your call.